I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
