I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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