You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
