I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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