I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
