I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
