I wish my penis had an off switch
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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