So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
