My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The best revenge is premature balding
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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