And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
