The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize