I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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