Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
