I bet he comes in French.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
