I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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