He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i dont even know how to be here
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize