don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
