My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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