We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
