Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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