TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
