some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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