Well douche your snatch and let's go!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
