did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
