I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize