I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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