your room smells of hookers.
And success
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
