Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You took a bar mat shot.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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