All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
A+ Viking dick
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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