you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
