You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
