Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
