Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you traded sex for a burrito?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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