did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What drink are we having for lunch?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
