just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
