the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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