I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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