By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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