Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
