Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
