He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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