I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
