I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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