when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
