I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
