you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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