Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
