This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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