I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
