theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
