Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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