the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
