Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
