I bet he comes in French.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
