Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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