I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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