If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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