I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
