you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize