His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
