This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
