My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
